Is it good for man to be alone?

My homecoming talk was a welcome kick in the pants. I hadn't really given it any thought until the night before, assuming that I would just get up there and talk, and the Lord would provide. It wasn't until 6 pm Saturday evening that it occurred to me that my studies hadn't been all that meaningful lately, and that I hadn't taught in almost two weeks; that the Lord might expect some kind of effort if I wanted to fill 40 minutes with something coherent. So I panicked, and ripped open my scriptures and my journals, trying to remember what I'd been doing for the past two years, and I spent at least an hour just holding my pen over a blank sheet of paper, getting nothing.

I started to get nervous. Having lost the "mantle" of missionary work, maybe the Lord wasn't going to work so closely with me... maybe I was left to myself, without strength. I've heard it from so many people, how different life is after the mission, but I always chalked it up to excuses and superstition. God doesn't leave us, we leave Him. But I just spent an hour, praying and staring at a blank piece of paper, getting nothing.

Then I began to realize how distracted--how hungry for distraction, really--I had been since I'd come home; how caught up in congratulating myself and listening to everyone else congratulate me. I hadn't heard the voice of the Lord because I hadn't been listening.

As soon as I thought this, the Spirit seemed to say, "You've forgotten me; but I haven't forgotten you." And in the most gentle, fatherly way, "It won't do you any good to cram for this like you're the one giving it. Put up the books."

I knew it was the Spirit, because it confused me, and I tried to argue. I said, maybe with a little frustration, "Well, then what? Do I just forget about it, and go play video games? Read Harry Potter? What do you want me to do, if not study?"

And He said, just as gently, "Find another way to prepare. Find a way to get close to me, don't worry about the talk." Act like you really believe in the Spirit's guidance, basically. So I thought about it, and the only thing that came to mind was to clean my room. It was stupid, but I couldn't think of anything else. But as I went to hang up a shirt, all of a sudden I was flooded with scriptures. "I have engraven you on the palms of my hands"... "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." The Spirit said, "I'm not going anywhere. I will show you tomorrow that I am still your God." And right after I said my prayers that night, as I was sliding under the covers, He told me my outline. A hint.

My High Council interview was the next morning at 6:30 a.m., so I had a good three hours of down time before church. Right when I got home, I sat down and it all spilled on the paper, all the points, all the scripture references, and so abundantly that I probably spent more time cutting it down than I spent writing it. And it went beautifully. Best talk I've ever given, by far--and I don't mind saying that because I was as surprised as everyone else that it came out of me.

So I've been trying to do better, trying to pay more attention; and now, I'm not sure the Spirit isn't even stronger than it was for most of my mission. In the field, so often it was, "You know your duty, now go and do it." But here... it's great, the Lord knows I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing, so He's been wonderfully specific. It's exhilarating to get the answers right when you ask the questions, almost before your lips can form the words.

Now I just need to ask Him how to meet a girl. The Institute class I attended yesterday... wasn't exactly what I'm looking for. But there's something to be said for going to a class (especially a religion class) for reasons other than the chicks.

In other news, I spent my very first day almost entirely by myself. All the family attention has dissipated... it was nice, but I'm glad to have some quiet time. I actually talked to myself yesterday, out loud, for the first time in at least two years. Just driving home from Institute, talking to myself. It led me to wonder (aloud): "You'd think that people who talk to themselves would have better social skills... you know, given all the practice." And I laughed at my own joke. Very loudly. It was fantastic. It's the little things you miss.

--Kevin

P.S. So I realize in retrospect that this post is mainly about how I hear voices and talk to myself. Moral: Kevin needs you to find him a date.

P.P.S And I further realize that I just referred to myself in third-person. Life is so good.